Howdy, y’all. It’s been a minute since I’ve posted anything here. I’ve been active on Instagram and Facebook, but not really blogging.
Grief is natural. We have to get through it however we can. Laughing, crying, staring off into space – all natural. Feeling lost is natural. Feeling like you can’t hold it together is natural. Grief is universal and individual. Grief is an asshole.
Watching the people I love in pain has taken the wind out of me somewhat. Some days I feel like I’m here and others not so much. I wonder if what I’m doing is enough, but I know there is only so much I can do.
The grief has brought on a few days of mindless eating and tears. Not just for the ones who left, but for those who left long ago. I’ve dreamed of my grandmother, mother-in-law, father, and old friends. Not memory-inspired dreams, but scenes of happy times with all of them in the present. They have been both sad and comforting, but mostly sad. I hate that they have and will miss so many good things. Graduations, births, new jobs, new homes, all of it.
It will get easier, I know. If you’re grieving, you’re not alone.
Can you believe 2014 is already six months old? June is already 11 days old? Where did the time go? Are you on track? Anywhere close to where you wanted to be? I’ll admit it, I’m not. And I won’t let it throw me much. I’ll tweak my plans and go month to month.
My plan was in part inspired by a dream. I’ve been back and forth to the doc and specialists (yes, plural) trying to finally figure out what all ails me. It’s exhausting and frustrating and frightening if I K et my mind wander too much. More so if I consult Dr. Google instead of waiting to for a specific diagnosis. According to Google, cold symptoms could be anything from a cold to a rare syndrome that would put someone just outside death’s door. No one needs that kind of stress or fear without knowing what’s going on inside them.
So, back to this dream. Of course I dreamed about a doctor visit. I mean, it’s been at least 33% of my focus for a while now. So, I’m waiting for the doc to walk in, and it’s Kris Carr! You know, the woman behind Crazy, Sexy Cancer. Her.
I was so in awe and blown away. I think seeing her was a sign. Not that a cancer diagnosis is looming, but that I’m doing the right thing by following up with the docs and working on healing. Another round of physical therapy starts next today My diet is cleaning up and even more greens are coming in. My healthier cookbooks are my main kitchen inspiration and I’m eating to live.
I don’t want to just survive anymore. I want to thrive, glow, and kick ass.
So, what’s happening with you? Have any good dreams lately?
WARNING: This post is negative because I’m feeling negative.
It makes me want to cry. My back is out. Gone. Pain no matter what I do. I need help to stand and have to crawl into and out of bed or I won’t make it otherwise.
I feel kind of stupid because of how it happened. I was bending at the waist, splashing my face with cool water. That’s it. No jumping, running, etc. Just fracking bending at not quite a 45 degree angle. I’m a mess. I can’t even splash my face without hurting myself!
I want to eat until I feel better, but nothing tastes good or comforting. Depressing, eh? Not as depressing as the deadline that looms. 2 papers due (on Monday and Tuesday) and a girl’s gotta work.
Deep, cleansing breaths and peaceful vibes help somewhat, but not as much as hard core narcotics do.